Hug-less Jumbled Unspoken (NaPoWriMo 2017-Day 16)

http://www.napowrimo.net/day-sixteen-4/

“…our prompt (optional, as always). Today I challenge you to take your inspiration, like our featured interviewee did in the chapbook she co-authored with Ross Gay, from the act of letter-writing. Your poem can be in the form of a letter to a person, place, or thing, or in the form of a back-and-forth correspondence.”

Dear—

Time to time, different seasons, moods…

I’ve thought of writing to you.

Finally I’m here—tears on heart, face,

Drenching bent-folded-spindled being.

How I regret there was no last

Opportunity for us to make connection—

Something genuine, meaningful, affirming words;

To “say” love, and apologize, forgive

Blurred-myriad disappointments, hurt, neglect…

Whatever prevented you loving me.

A child, trapped in earliest years’ endless dark

More scary than crying out, “mommy, I’m scared”

I kept hope-hope-hoping through decades

That one day you’d look on me, adoring eyes…

Not despise me as though I were stranger’s whelp

Foisted upon you, unwanted winter snows.

I yearned for Hallmark-movie moment

When everything changes, is healed, mended new.

Can’t remember if I loved you

All I recall is fear—everyday afraid,

Waiting for lioness to pounce, puncture,

Wound by shaking me in your teeth.

I barely breathed, tried to prepare,

But your attacks ever blindsided.

I wished you dead, but by the time death came

It no longer mattered, you’d already died inside me.

I needed more than you had, could give—

Craved nurture, and that you’d talk with me;

You held yourself private, gate locked, walls barricaded—

I wanted to know you, learn from you, yet dared not ask.

Your shaming, humiliating, tutored me

To agree with your appraisal, disdain myself;

I perversely chose others, men who reveled

In abuse, treated me with contempt…same as you.

~

I own single memory of us

Enjoying each other’s company,

Mental keepsake snapshot:

One summer vacation we took the family’s wash

To coin-op laundromat…folded clothes, load after load,

Munched snacks from machines, smiling…

Only day in my life you removed slave-chains, shared

Chores with me…it was Better than Christmas.

~

Since you were unable to—I wish I’d had strength,

Courage to schedule ‘last opportunity’ for us.

My friends’ mothers pass… in my efforts to be

Supportive I must imagine such loss and grief—

Because I’m still little girl who ran to

Flimsy faceless paper-cut-out invented mother,

(Hollywood actress’s name);

Girl who sobbed herself to sleep each night,

Failed to do anything that would woo maternal love;

Went crazy (which annoyed, disgusted you)

While you allied yourself with my younger siblings.

~

Oh, that I had steeled myself, come to you

One last time… I’d trade

Favorite possessions for a day, hour returned…

Chances shredded, dry autumn leaves…

Devil on the wind, laughing-hyena’s ridicule.

Maternal-love-bereft—

Hug-less, jumbled-unspoken

 Too horrible, contemplation…

We never even said “goodbye”.

© R L Cadillac, 2017 ~ All rights reserved.

Images ~ Pixabay

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